I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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