turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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