Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
try to milk me bitch
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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