my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
