Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
