I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
