i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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