My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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