Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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