If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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