I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
