I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
