My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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