I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
