I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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