3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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