please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
