This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
