After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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