I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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