I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
