im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
