Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
