So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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