Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
