is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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