If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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