I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think i got beer on your cat.
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