well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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