thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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