david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
