history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
