I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
