apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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