i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
