I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well you can't waste a boner
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
