I think I am morally bankrupt
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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