I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
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at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow