i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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