did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
pop tarts are not kleenex
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
