She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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