We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
