I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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