Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
