He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
