chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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