Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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