All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
