If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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