Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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