Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
