and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
