i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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