Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
