i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
