the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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