On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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