I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
