I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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