I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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