Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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