Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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