There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick