i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
