for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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